Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
