oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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