I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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