Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up under a house in Key West
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