i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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