I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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