I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
