3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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