I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
