Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
