Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
