Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
