a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
