i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
