There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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