Your mouth is God's brothel.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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