I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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