I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
