You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
