They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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