I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
