the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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