I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
then he tried to convert me to islam
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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