I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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