That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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