So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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