You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
