Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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