I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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