I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
