I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
