You're so nebulous sometimes
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
