So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
