so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
a search helicopter?!
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
