i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
the gays at disneyland are vicious
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
