Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
