yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
