you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
