probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
