Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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