I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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