I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
