dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
