THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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