I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
