Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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