I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
