She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
