my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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