Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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