and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
