My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
soo... how was my night?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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