My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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