Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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