in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize