pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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